EXCUSES BOARD

Excuses. We've all used them. Sorry, the train was late. The dog ate my homework. I didn't know it was your sister, I was suffering from memory loss. And, invariably, our excuses tend to fail. This is because the world is a harsh and unfair place. But at Club Beer, we like to create our own reality - rewrite the rules so that justice can be done on a regular basis, with only a short period of notice. Hence: this. The Club Beer Excuses Board. Done something wrong, fucked up your miserable life yet again? Then atone for it here. Email your excuse to us at club-beer@bigfoot.com, we'll post it on this page, God will see that you have sorrow in your heart, and all will be well.

Wicked.

WE'VE HAD A FEW MORE STAGGER IN...

Excuses? Well, fortunately I managed to get my butt to the festival at Leeds....amid the downpours. Never met up with the person I traveled to see...but managed to stay drunk all the while. Hence, never did seek out a Club beer Garden. Where were you guys?
JILL MARIE
(Club Beer replies: Ian was at Reading, pissed with a chocolate birthday cake. Angus was at home, listening to jazz records. Nice.)

Hello, all at clubbeer, my nam id smon and i;ve ben driinking ar tto heavily this evening, i went to one of y teh st schools 40th birthaydoo daa and got very drubk rinking beer, brandy, , vodka and wine, and something tht was yellow, i am noit taking the piss i really am too drunk to be witing this. i'm offf to loo at some hardcore pornograhy, see you soon much love and drunken admiration SIMON

Sorry I can't come in to work today, but I've been offered a large sum of money to lie under a glass coffee table at a party attended by some D-list british celebrities, whilst inserting progressively larger objects into various cavities in my body. Sorry that my mind-numbing "job" can't compare to this excruciating torture, but to be quite honest I'd rather do this and emerge from a warehouse in Birmingham later today with distended body cavities from the quite ridiculous objet d'art that I'll have been manipulating inside myself than spend even half-a-frigging-hour in the company of you, <insert name of boss> and the other dullard pencil-jockeys that inhabit the pitiful masquerade of a "company" (and I use the word in the loosest possible sense) that I have the disgrace to call my place of work. See you bright and early tomorrow.
JAMES, YORKSHIRE

If I'd have known that I was allergic to cellotape, then I would never have gone in the first place.
STUART HERITAGE

AND THE OTHERS STILL ARE...

I'm sorry I slept with your sister. She looks a lot like you after ten
pints. Anyway, you're always saying I should spend more time getting to know your family. At least it wasn't the dog again this time.
ANDY, ABERDEEN

I would have gone to the last club-beer do in the middle of August, however I was unable to because (like all good Club Beer member should) I was pissed out of my skull. However, I had the happy notion of adding RedBull to Lager, which is really cool. So my excuse has to be the fact I was discovering new and exotic drinks.
LEE FERENS

I didn't mean to run over your dog, or reverse back into your gran, or indeed open my door into your wife, it was the VoIcEs, ThEy MaDe Me Do iT. BwAhAhAhAAhAHA.
EDD

I'm so sorry I couldn't make it to your brothers funeral, only, after having my train delayed by....ooh, a good two hours, a large group of ravenous....erm, ravens? Yes, ravens, were devouring the road in front of my taxi, therefore rendering the afore-mentioned mode of transport useless. No traffic could pass and even the pavements were mashed up, so that put a bit of a dampener on things. I had to walk all the way back down that street and attempt to find an alternate method of getting there. Unfortunately, I discovered that this had been going on all over town. It's only due to the sterling work done by the whales sent in to flatten all the streets out that I got here when I did. I can only apologise.
CRAIG

Why I was late coming home from work...
While I was finishing up the day at the Marinia I looked up and a huge ball of seagall shit hit me right in the forhead. When I came to, a duck was humping my nose. So I gathered my thoughts and threw the duck, wiped the shit from my forhead and headed home. That is why I am late baby can you please go to the store and pick me up a case of cold ones I had a bad day. I have been
fucked and shited on.
#1 BEER DRINKING FAN, LAUREN BAEZ

OK here goes sod all...
You want an excuse for summat I've done wrong/not done at all. Well I haven't sent you lot an excuse. My excuse for this pathetic crime? I haven't sent you an excuse for something because this is the only thing I could think of to ask you to excuse. Now I'm confused. Jeez, this has got to be THE lamest excuse for a lack of excuses EVER.
GEM

Sorry i can't be arsed to enter your competition properly, but I didn't think mine would be good enough to win. sorry.
ANDREW

Click here to see the excuses for not coming to Club Beer Garden. And don't forget to email us your excuses for anything at all, to club-beer@bigfoot.com - the best will win a prize. Of some sort. We imagine.