CLUB BEER - THE BEGINNING

Greetings from Club Beer HQ in Sri Lanka. I'm talking to you exclusively on the modern telephone to tell you exactly how we made our Club Beer millions. It's an epic tale, awash with the tears of small children and the laughter of strange men with beards, and sometime in the future it'll be brought to the silver screen in a production to rival the mighty "Waterworld". I feel a sense of privilege to have lived through these past months, especially that business in Rio with the monkeys and the guy with the fez, and I'd like to communicate that to you, the people whose life savings have made this all possible.

CLUB BEER ONE - THE FULL HORROR

I can 't quite remember where the idea came from now. I can see a pub by the river by Blackfriar's bridge and a couple of lunchtime pints but beyond that it all gets a bit hazy. I do know we spent months after that joking about a club called Club Beer that played Music That Only Sounds Good When You're Drunk and I'm pretty sure we were still talking about it the night we went to see Gabba at the George IV in Brixton. They're ace: the only Ramones/Abba crossover tribute band in SW2 and the singer's the seventh tallest man in Britain. We should have them at Club Beer really, but I think they're too much of a classy turn for us. So we were laughing along with Gabba and getting bladdered and one of us said, 'This is where we should have Club Beer' to which the other replied 'Right, let's book it now while we're drunk'. And we did.

The first one was ace. I blagged five yellow inflatable beer cans from Tennants by telling them The Times were doing a big feature on us (lies, of course). The inaugural Club Beer bingo featured a tasteless joke about one of the Two Fat Ladies who'd died a few days earlier and, better still, was impossible to win. The Club Beer gallery of icons and tracts of drinking philosophy diverted attention from the fact that we hadn't managed to finish the beer can scupture we'd been promising people. One bloke brought along a disco version of the "Star Wars" theme and the "Duelling Banjos" thing from the "Deliverance" soundtrack and his mates screamed when we played them. Joe who played Matthew Rose in "EastEnders" turned up with some pals who were last seen dancing half naked on the stage. Rob from my work nearly got into a fight with a bouncer and has, therefore, become the first and only person to be barred from Club Beer. Jelb and Kate, our Club Beer couple, got it together for the first time (aw bless). And everyone else acted like a loon and did things they regretted the morning after.