They say an Englishman's home is his castle. And how horrifically and hideously wrong "they" are. If anything, the home of an Englishman (or Britishperson as our PC pals would have it) is his (or her) pub. It's the place where they sit around on their lardy arse, drinking beer, smoking tabs and discussing the pressing matters of the day, unencumbered by the fact that they know little of which they speak. But imagine how great life would be if you actually lived in a pub: you could have lock-ins every night, spend Sunday afternoons playing darts and you'd hardly ever get barred. Well now, thanks to the wonder that is Club Beer, you can turn the space you laughingly call a "lounge" into a real life pub! Just follow our handy four point "Changing Rooms"-style plan. . .
(1) THE BAR
You know that book
shelf you've got by the pot plant in the corner next to the phone?
Well ditch that: you won't be needing any fancy novels once you've
turned your living room into a pub. Use that space for the bar.
Take the wood from the shelves and knock up an impressive bar-type
construction - just like the one Garry Bushell has in his lovely
Essex home! Install pumps, pin up a load of peanuts over a poster
of Buffy The Vampire Slayer tied to a chair, rip up your towels
in little bits and soak them in beer and. . .voila!
(2) TABLES AND CHAIRS
When was the last time you saw a sofa and an armchair
in a pub? Well, OK, probably this afternoon if you live in Clapham
or Islington or one of those poncy areas where the juicers look
like they're straight from the Ideal Home Exhibition. But if
you're talking real pubs - and we are - then sofas and the like
are out of the question. Replace them with chipped old brown
tables stained with fag ash and bile and buy three dodgy chairs,
making sure to file off half an inch from one of the legs for
that authentic "unsteady" ambience.
(3) THE JUKEBOX
You may well have a brand new Bang Olufsen stereo
with twenty foot speakers and special effects that makes your
Chris Rea records sound like they're being played in the Vatican,
but it'll all have to go. Instead find an old Wurlitzer that
only takes shillings and the larger drachma coins and fill it
with scratched seven inches by people who were last fashionable
sometime in the 1970s. If you're unsure which records to get,
simply go to the Club Beer playlist page on this site and you'll
find a full list there. Also get rid of your telly and replace
it with a twenty foot video screen. Show only reruns of "Minder",
"Columbo", "The Streets Of San Francisco",
"Cloppa Castle" and the FA Cup final from 1982.
(4) THE POOL TABLE
Bit of a tough one this. Take the futon you've
got in the spare room and the left over bit of astroturf you
saved from when you did your roof garden and stick it all together
in the name of pub sports. Store by the fireplace. For balls,
use pieces of fruit or coloured paperweights - and you'll find
that broom handles make perfect cues. Don't forget to sprinkle
sawdust over the floor and to weld the windows shut. Your pub
is now complete.
Now, we know what you're thinking? "It sounds fantastic. But where am I going to find pumps and a jukebox and the brewing equipment I need to successfully turn my place of residence into a grotty boozer?" Well, we don't know, do we? Do we have to do everything for you? Eh? Well, do we? You treat this place like a hotel sometimes you do. You should think about someone else for a change other than yourself. How long are you going to be in that bathroom for anyway? What are you doing in there? You dirty little bugger.
Good luck!