 What we're going to do with our Club Beer millions has been a constant source of worry for us. "Which Caribbean island should we buy first?" we ponder aloud, brows furrowed and countenances stern. "One helicopter or two? Is it vulgar to own any fewer than fifty Rolls Royces? And should the statue in Trafalgar Square of our good selves be made from silver or gold?" It's a living hell. One thing we are certain of, though, is that when we do finally hit the great golden beer jackpot at the end of the booze-sodden rainbow, we're going to buy a pub. More specifically, we're going to buy The Brunswick Arms in fashionable Waterloo. It's got everything you ask for in a central London boozer: tasteful brown decor, luxurious seating, a wide selection of crisps, a fruit machine that's hardly ever used, a smokey atmosphere, and a clientele of hard drinkers and chain smokers who wouldn't been seen dead standing outside a twat's paradise like Bar Med when there's proper supping to be done.
It's a dream come true. And you can be part of the dream, the dream, rather than being over as we once thought, can come to your home. It can be your home. You can live inside the dream. Take our hands, we'll make it somewhere. We'll make it in your living room, your living room will be a pub, a castle, heaven with sticky carpets. And we'll make it with the help of our new pals at e-Bay, the internet trading community place thing that's so famous even my mum has heard of it. Angus uses it all the time to auction off rare hip hop "twelves" and snap up even rarer funk "plates" and while he's there, he always has a look in their Breweriania section, where folk from all around the world are flogging stuff you can make a pub from. We're off there "right now" and we urge you, our loyal Club Beer fans, to join us. Simply click on the showy looking link below , go to the Sign In section in the top right hand corner, and then register, for free, as an e-Bay user in the same trip. It is true that we get paid by e-Bay for every one of you that comes from this site and registers, but that is not the purpose of this page, oh no. We suffer the indignity of taking cash from strangers because we're going to put all the money we get from you "clicking through" and registering and put it in a big piggy bank, which we'll only break open when we have enough money to buy The Brunswick! Yes, help us to realise the greatest dream of our lives by realising a dream you didn't know you had until a few moments ago. It will cost you nothing to register, will only take a few seconds, and it could bring you - and us and the people who drink in The Brunswick - an entire lifetime of happiness. We'll buy each and every one of you a pint when The Brunswick is finally ours. Because that's how much we love you. That's how much we care.  |
We dream of
owning The Brunswick and drink there as often as possible, for
research purposes. One day our prince will come. And until that
day, we're getting in as much practice as we can by turning our
living rooms into life-size replicas of The Brunswick's salubrious
interior, following our own patented Turn Your Living Room Into
A Pub method outlined elsewhere on this site. Where there was
once a book shelf, there's now a bar, just like in Garry Bushell's
home, all classy like. Where once stood a sofa, there's a nice
wooden table with a half full ashtray on it. Where there used
to be a twenty four inch television with digital stereo and surround
sound, there's now a video screen showing nothing but Sky Sports.