As explained by television's Mr T
Yo fool! I ain't getting on no plane for nobody! I'm gunna
kick yo sweet ass down them stairs and play 'Dixie' on your skull, oh woah yeah! You're my
puppy dog now, y'hear me? Eh? Hehehehehehe! Them fools at Club Beer, they be wantin' me to
explain their music policy to you vermin. I tell them to forget it. They'd need one big
load of crack and cheap wimmin to get me messin' my bizness wit' any of that bullsheet, oh
woah yeah! But, well, we came to some kinda understanding, you know, between men of
culture and letters, an agreement that made me smile lika babby, mmm! So listen up,
pinheads! This is serious. I said: THIS IS SERIOUS! I ain't goin' thru this again. And you
can ditch the plane idea right now. There's two type of Club Beer song.
1. THE CLUB BEER TUNE
"This be the staple of the Club Beer experience. Heck, the thing sounds like a whole
heap of misery to me, just a load of ingrates and drunkards bellowing at the top o'their
voices and waving their arms about like they're tryin' ta knock out Rocky in the third
round. And that ain't as easy as it looks, let me tell
ya. Y'keep hitting and hitting the guy and he just don't tumble. The Ruskie didn't have
much luck either, dammit. Dunno how he does it.
"Anyway, you should be able to do the following things to the Club Beer
tune. One, wave you arms above your head in a loutish manner, much like you'd rekkin' Liam
Gallagher would on his stag night. You fools know who that fella is? Never heard of 'im. I
like my music mean, lean and tough, y'hear? Wu-Tang Clan. Boo-Ya Tribe. Goombay Dance
Band. That kind of thing, woah yeah!"
"Two, if you can't slur the chorus at the top of your voice, it ain't no
Club Beer tune. Try it out. "Nuhrrr, nuhrrr, nuhrrr, nrr, nrr, nuhrrr, nuhrrr,
nuhrrr". That's "Roll With It" by Oasis. No, ain't heard of them fools
either. But the Club Beer fellas go a big streak on them and as long as they're providing
the party dust and the happy ladies, I don't give a fuck what they make me say."
"Three, it should only sound great when you're drunk. Yeah, yeah, I said
it, OK. But listen up you slimeballs. This is MR T talking now, not the Club Beer
no-marks. Drinking is for fools! Drinking is for losers! Drinking makes you fat! And I
ain't fat, no way. And I ain't getting on no plane, you fools! No way. No fuck fucking
way! Huh!"
2. THE CLUB BEER CLASSIC
"Yo! Take the Club Beer Tune outlined above but make it classic. Easy, huh? You can
tell it's a Club Beer Classic if you don't need to mention who it's by when you talk about
it. Get it? "Swords Of A Thousand Men", "Uptown Girl", "Yes Sir,
I Can Boogie", "Copa Cobana", them's all Club Beer Classics. "500
Miles" by The Proclaimers, that ain't no Club Beer Classic, it's a Club Beer Tune.
Why? Because I had to tell you who it was by, you fool! Don't you listen to nuffin' I'm
sayin'? Pay attention. THIS IS SERIOUS!"
THE
CLUB BEER |
1. ROCKIN' ALL OVER THE WORLD 2. DESTINATION ZULULAND 3. UPTOWN GIRL 4. YES SIR, I CAN BOOGIE 5. COPA COBANA 6. SWORDS OF A THOUSAND MEN 7. I WILL SURVIVE 8. THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN 9. ROLL WITH IT 10. BLOCKBUSTER No artist names... Them's for fools, y'hear?! |