Young people are always complaining that thirtysomethings don't understand them and make no effort to get to grips with their hip new phrases like "mint" and "bling". They're right on all counts, of course, as most modern words are simply old words used wrongly (see: garage, hardcore and so on) and therefore confusing, irritating, stupid, etc, and not really worth learning. But, for every 21st century buzzphrase that's ridiculous gibberish to anyone who's been alive longer than half an hour, there's also an equal and opposite thirtysomething term that the kids don't get. Which just isn't on. So, in a bid to close the Generation Gap once and for all, Club Beer presents the definitive glossary of Oldspeak!

Bearsted - that feeling you get when you've been out drinking for the last three days in a row and haven't got anything done at work because you've been too hungover and someone asks you out to a gig or a party and you have to say no because you can't drink like you used to when you were younger and you want to go home.

Girding - that feeling of smug superiority you get when you're talking to someone ten years younger than you are and you see how impressed they are when you start an anecdote with the phrase "Yes, well, when I saw Nirvana at the Astoria, I really didn't think they were that good. The Pixies were always much better live"

Grunding - that feeling of shame and self hatred you get when you realise that that initial respect has now turned to derision because you went on and on and on about the same thing for ever and ever without making much more of a point other than "I saw Nirvana by accident once and they were quite good, although I can't remember much of the night because I was so pissed".

Horam - that feeling you get when you see a three bedroom flat for £210,000 or nearest asking price, like it, talk it over while having a cup of tea in your local café, go to the estate agent to put in an offer only to find that another couple has beaten you to it and you have to start all over again

Louth - that feeling you get when you see a picture of Sonic Youth circa the "Goo" album and you think that Kim Gordon looks really young and then you remember you thought she looked ancient at the time and could never understand how anyone who's, say, 33, which is your age now, could be in the music industry and still retain any dignity

Martock - that feeling you get when you hear something young and cool like, say, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, and it's not that you don't understand it or feel alienated by it because you're too old, it's simply that you think it's a shoddy, half-arsed imitation of something that was done with much more danger and excitement several years ago by the Jesus And Mary Chain and therefore just isn't very good.

Pembury - that feeling you get when you realise that most of your friends now have mortgages and kids on the way and you've been so busy drinking and being a berk for the last fifteen years that you haven't stopped to amass anything or even do any growing up and you suddenly realise that you can't keep acting like a kid forever but you don't really know what else to do with your life.

Sturry - that feeling you get when you pay the bill at your local Italian restaurant and you're given a fiver too much in change so you point this out to the head waiter and the old man on the table next to you says to his son "you don't see that very often" and you say "I've been eating here for the last nine years, I've probably eaten here over a hundred times" and for some reason that makes you feel a bit weird.

Twade - that feeling you get when you turn up to a hip new bar and there's a queue of young people going down the street and it's packed inside and you'll have to wait for at least half an hour to get in and then definitely won't get a seat and you think you can't be arsed with all of this nonsense any more and you go to the nearest pub instead.

Winslow - that feeling you get when you look at the top twenty and you don't like any of the artists mentioned and then you hear "Street Tuff" by Rebel MC and it sounds like the greatest song ever recorded and you realise that you've turned into the one thing you always promised yourself you wouldn't when you were younger.

Have we missed any Oldspeak terms out? Email your contributions to us and we'll add them to the glossary!