As practising doctors, Angus and Ian are often asked: "What is beer and how do I use it?" And each time, we reply with the words: "God knows. Buy us a pair of pints and we'll see what we can work out." Which, admittedly, isn't much use at the time, but we've put in a lot of important research using this fund-raising method and have managed to unearth these exciting facts.

Beer was invented in Stockton-On -Teas in 1235, by a man called Brian. He was pottering around in his shed one Sunday afternoon, cleaning his subbuteo set with an old copy of the News of The World, when he slipped on some hops and spilt his dimpled glass of water. And lo! Beer was born!

The Beer family stretches back to the early thirteenth century, when they were employed at Buckingham Palace as dog handlers. A Romeo and Juliet style situation with a girl from the De family led to a split in the family tree. Luckily, nothing much came of the new family. The most famous Beer is Alice Beer, although Mr Beer was the science assistant at my school.

Beer is best consumed in large quantities. The record for drinking the most beer is held by Gerald Berkamshire, from Ohio, who once put away 658 pints during a single sitting. He also ate 34 packets of crips (13 plain, 19 salt and vinegar and 2 bacon flavour), three packets of twiglets, and went to the gents 26 times. He lost a total on £230 on the Strike It Lucky quiz machine and was heard to say the phrase "I've never known anything like it" 12 times. He is now dead.

It is illegal to drink beer between 1pm and 3pm on a Sunday in the county of Dorset. Although many pubs stay open and some young folk still partake of the blessed drop, they are all breaking a law that stretches back to Henry VIII. If a policeman finds anyone with a pint in Dorset during these hours, he or she is legally entitled to "horse whip the sinner to wythine an inch of their sorry lives". This has only happened once, happily.

It is a commonly believed fallacy that Beer makes you fat. Not so. Beer bellies are actually a gift from the little baby Jesus, to help the angels see who's been good and spent their life sensibly, and who's wasted it all on missionary work in the south Pacific. In Heaven, it costs under a pound for a pint of mild, about a quid fifty for a lager, and not much more for export. There are no shorts, however. You'll have to go downstairs for that kind of nonsense.

Do you know any beer facts? Send us your findings and we'll post them here, so that our amassed beer wisdom can help future generations.