MIND CONTROL EXPERIMENT
Hello friends! Uri Geller, international man of mystery and famed spoon bender here, with news of an exciting national event. You know, I first met Ian from Club Beer on a plane going to Athens. He and his pals were getting steadily pissed and cheering every time the plane hit turbulence, with their arms in the air, and I immediately recognised them as people of spirit. One of their number asked me if I could turn Baileys into Kahlua, as they'd run out, and I replied "no, but I can bend a spoon for you." And I did, right there, at 30,000 ft.

A bond was formed that day, so when they asked me to get involved in an amazing Mind Control Experiment, I readily agreed. We want to turn every straight pint glass in the country into one of the dimpled glasses that real drinkers favour, and we're going to use the power of our minds to achieve this. What I want you to do is focus your mind for one minute, at 11am and 11pm on Thursday Oct 5, which is the day Angus and Ian are battling the Typical Girls. I'm using this big picture of a dimpled pint glass as a tool for our minds, so I want you to place your hand on it, visualise in your inner eye a dimpled glass, and say to yourself, almost like a mantra, "banish the straight, let's go dimpled, banish the straight, let's go dimpled."

Try to amass all your mind power, your energy, your vibrations, your frequency, and will it to happen. If we're successful, every All Bar One in the UK will spontaneously explode, ridding society of thousands of poncy looking straight glasses and a load of twats in suits with media specs and no hair into the bargain. Tell your friends, email them the Club Beer website address, spread the word, and play your part in the most spectacular psychic event in history.

Peace, my friends. Uri Geller