FESTIVAL DRINKING GUIDE OR HOW TO SURVIVE THROUGH THOSE HELLISH DRINKING ORGIES By Edgar The Peaceful

Preparation (the day before) The best way I know how to prepare, is to first pack up all the stuff you're going to need - what you need is up to you, but I'd advise lots of juice. Trust me, you'll need it in the morning, and don't forget a bottle of whisky for the last day -, and then go out with your friends to warm up for the festival, drinking a few beers, but not too many, because you don't want to get a hangover before the festival. You're going to have plenty of time for that.

The trip: If you have a car, DON'T take it to the festival, because it will be a headache. You won't be able to drink the entire trip! Go by train, it may be uncomfortable, but at least it's bound to have a bar with cool beers. After a few of those, you won't find the train so bad. After a lot of those you're in Heaven! Or in the bathroom. It depends.

Day 1: There you are, with your backpack, already staggering, and you still have to mount your tent. First, drink another beer, and then think about it while you drink one more. Then buy six or more beers and THEN you mount your tent, taking your time, not worrying about those asses mocking you, because you can barely stand. That's just envy. They wish they were as drunk as you are, but they just won't admit it. Anyway, you got a lot of beer next to you, so there's nothing to worry about. After all, the first concerts suck ass, they're just for losers. This is the best day to get drunk (not that there are any bad days to do that, mind you), since it's already getting dark by the time you finished mounting your tent and there's nothing more to do. So, go on, enjoy yourself. You do realize I meant that in a Christian way. Drinking. Not playing with yourself. Okay, this is embarrassing. Let's go over to day two, since there isn't much chance you'll be incapacitated today. Try to buy a bottle of water before turning in, and be careful where you fall, 'cause when you wake up, you might be surprised by a girl who was peeing nearby, thinking no-one was in sight.

Day 2: You've done it again. You said, nay, you PROMISED you weren't drinking much last night. Well, no use crying over spilled beer. Hope you brought the juices. You didn't? Tough guy, eh? Well, it serves you right. At least you've got the water. No? Never mind, just crawl the best you can out of the sleeping bag and get another beer. There you go. Feeling better? Good. I'd advise a bath, if you want to get lucky tonight. Besides, it'll make you feel better. Okay, you've bathed and eaten something; now it's time for more beer. Just remember two things: You're in the middle of the afternoon, and ­ if it's summer ­ the sun is hitting hard on that empty box on top of your shoulders. I'd advise caution. Drink slowly, never mind if the same asses who were mocking you yesterday are now playing strong drinking like there's no tomorrow, because you still have two more days to go, and today is critical. No use wasting what is probably the best day by drinking yourself to death. You've got plenty of time for that tomorrow. You've made it to the night, although some of your friends are feeling a little too dizzy. Make them go get the beers, because if they sit down, they won't get up again. Make them keep moving. The concerts have started, and you've got two choices: either you stay in the back, or go upfront. That's up to you. If you've decided to go upfront, you'll have a little trouble passing through all those losers who are there since 5 o'clock. Just shout 'pregnant woman', and they'll instantly make way. And make sure you carry at least two beers, so you won't get thirsty. Now that you got to the front, after passing through a lot of drunkards on the floor, including those same asses that have been bugging you since you got here ­ who's laughing now, eh? They should have read this guide. By the way, hope you didn't forget to 'accidentally' step on them. Even if they don't feel it, it will make you a happier person ­ you realise how stupid you were. What's the point of being close to the stage? They're just some stupid bands, that you don't even like, there's nothing to see here, you've spilled all your beer, and worse! You've sobered up a bit. Anyway, you might as well check out the girls. Maybe you've sobered enough to say something with sense. Of course, this is not the best place to talk, so, after you've traded a few successful words, invite her to go drink a few beers with you, it might make this stupid trip to the stage worthy. But don't get her too drunk, or you won't be able to do anything except see who throws up farther. Well, good luck, see you on the third day.

Day 3: It had to be. Things were going a little too well last night weren't they? But her boyfriend had to show up, had to be jealous, had to be bigger and more sober than you, had to make a scene, while you were standing there feeling absolutely stupid, and had to spill your beer. She did try to stand up for you, so you didn't end up in a bloody pool .It could have been worse. Of course he needn't have spilled your beer! While you're reviewing last night events in your mind, you suddenly realise you're very thirsty. You bought a bottle of water yesterday, didn't you? Ah, you've learned your lesson. Of course, juices would have been better, right? I warned you. Well, there's no use in lying there all day. Get up, bathe, and eat. It's the last day, so grab your bottle of whisky, 'cause you've spent rivers of money on rivers of beer already, put the precious liquid in a plastic bottle, and head on to the front of the stage, 'cause it's already 4 o'clock, and tonight there's the heavier bands, and you don't wanna miss a thing. Make sure your bottle lasts 'till the last band comes into stage, and then quickly empty it, so you can headbang at will. The concert's over, and you're still not ready to turn in. NOW is the time to go on a drinking spree! You've made it 'till the end! Reap your rewards, drink yourself to a stupor. But make sure you get to the tent. Or someone gets you to the tent. And don't forget the bottle of water. You're going to need it more than ever.

The return: As you sit back in the train, listening to it's monotonous music, you make a mental revision of what happened. You spent all your money, slept uncomfortably, didn't get laid, and to make matters worse, you drank so much last night that you've offended everyone you came across with, including your friends, and you're still wandering how you didn't end getting beaten up. You're so ashamed that the person sitting in front of you ­ not one of your friends, 'cause they don't talk to you anymore, at least for the next month or so, so they travel separately ­ wonders how can someone get so red. "Is he going to explode? Has he eaten red pepper?" You hate yourself right now, and you wonder if it was such a good idea to come to this stupid festival. However, you cheer up with the thought that the next festival is only a month away...