Hello!
I am Alice Beer, the famous televisual face. When I'm not hunting down scandalous British Gas fat cats and exchanging dubious glances with Anne Robinson on primetime telly or being pregnant with twins, I'm often to be found surfing the intraweb, or whatever it's called, on one of those posh new Imacs we've blagged for the studio. Fancy that! Anyway, here are my favourite beer-related sites. Click the pictures to "follow through", as it were. Ha ha!

I really like this one. It's all about American beer and things. I recently went to America for "Watchdog". Or actually I think it was probably "Holiday". Either way I went for free courtesy of the license payer, and I did shitloads of shopping.

This one is called "Beer Is My Life". If I was to do a website, I would probably call it "Beer Is My Name" because, you see, it is.

I've never met a real monk. I wonder what they're like? One thing's for sure, we've never had any trouble with them on "Watchdog"!!!! Annie's hair is sometimes a bit like a monk's, but I never tell her that because if I annoy her she refuses to let me carry her bags.

This site is all about how to actually make beer, which is probably not to be advised, frankly, but if you're an absolute cheapskate like most of our viewers, and the idiots who go "I flew EasyJet and didn't get the same service as on Concorde therefore I want my money back", then it might be of some interest.

Our friends on the intraweb

You never know who your new friends are until they email you a picture of themselves being sick. This hardly ever happened on "Watchdog" - and Anne says she hasn't even been to Mexico so it couldn't have been her - but with Club Beer it seems to be going on all the time. Nutters, boozers and troublemakers have been drawn by the classiness of the operation and filth has been flying in all directions. Here are some of the best of Club Beer's New Friends.

How Does It Feel To Be Loved? - fine soul club run by Ian, one of the founders of Club Beer. The antithesis of Club Beer : Clever music! Plays "The Smiths to The Supremes", it's full of loads of indie hipsters being very precious about albums that sold about twenty five copies in 1987. If that sounds like your thing, then check out the admittedly fine looking site.

Hairytongue.com - Head feel like it's full of tepid semolina? Mouth full of creosote and mould? Are you afraid to look at your pants? Then you need a swift hangover cure and the sophisticated dudes at hairytongue are here to help. Or rather, they're here to arse around and randomly insult famous people in the hope that it will ease your pain. And you know what? It does. Kind of.

Disappointment.com - I spoke to Anne about this site and she told me not to worry so much. Just because a strange man in the ether amuses himself by sniggering at Mr T and Joey Deacon, there's no need to get involved. She laid a calm matronly hand on my shoulder and made me a cup of tea. She really can be very nice when she wants to be.

bigbeefandbeer.com - Fancy a side of meat and a gallon of beer? Then get yourself along to big beef and beer! Hmmm. Is that right? That's what Alice wrote on this card before she went off to her whist drive but it doesn't ring true somehow. I'm a vegan after all. And I hardly ever drink. Only a pint of sherry on Good Friday. I leave lager business to the Club Beer boys. Anyway, they seem to like this site so have a look.

magicglasses.com - If laughing at pictures of people wearing funny refracted glasses while on mind-bending drugs is your bag, then this is as good as it gets. I don't quite see the point myself. I went to talk to Anne about it, but she cut me dead, just like that. "I don't wish to discuss it," she said. "Goodbye." Honestly, she gets a hint of success with some dodgy quiz show and suddenly she has no time for her old friends. Hmm. She could have stopped to talk for a minute after I'd waited for four hours for her. I'm the biggest fan she'll ever lose. She'll regret this, just you wait.

pubtrek.com - Never knew this myself, but those Australians do like a drink, don't they? Well, they do if this site is anything to go by. I suppose these are the kind of people that Anne likes to hang out with now. They all look like the weakest link to me. Either that or the missing link. Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Only joking!

mindlessbanter - Some of the Club Beer punters are those types who like living in a muddy field for a week every summer, spending their time eating dodgy bean based foods and going to the toilet in bushes. This is where they like to chat on the internet when they're not wallowing in their own feculence. Personally, I don't understand why they go. We've brought in the management of Lunn Polly to Watchdog for resorts with better facilities. Anne gave em a good going over. Some of these places don't even have functioning swimming pools!

Mil-ton Records are an independent label in California who were nice enough to send a copy of their delightful ditty "Drinkin' Through The Alphabet" to the Club Beer boys. They liked it and promised Billy Vanilli that they'd get me to mention them, and so here I am. Mentioning them. With my brain and typing fingers. Look at me go! The boys tell me most American beer is piss anyway, but I reckon the guys at Mil-ton know where the real moonshine is. I mean, just look at their reckless use of a hyphen in the middle of their own name! These people live on the EDGE of punctuation and just don't care! Don't let them babysit (Unless they are actually registered and qualified child minders, it's always important to check these credentials before booking. Using an unqualified minder may result in your offspring EXPLODING or much, much worse. As my esteemed predecessor, Lynne Faulds-Wood said, "They're a potential death trap", just before she started playing with a nail gun with a head full of booze and bleach).

Well that's it. I've got an unofficial website, by the way. It's very good and it's here. If you have any links you'd like to suggest, send me an e-mail and I'll do my best.

Bye bye!

Alice
xxx